Need to elaborate and final revision for submission. Read the professor comments.
Read your writing aloud. There are many long, wordy constructions that obscure your ideas. Cut these back using clear, simple language to convey your ideas. Remember, wordy sentences are not the same thing as a formal academic voice. Reading aloud will help you find these rocky, awkward sentences so you’ll know which ones to revise.
Revise for overall correctness. I see many minor writing errors throughout this piece. Reading aloud, as suggested above, will help you find these errors quickly and efficiently. It’s important to fix these minor errors because errors such as these, though seemingly insignificant, hurt your credibility as a writer. For instance, you’ve misspelled “professor” on the title page of your paper — and there are many more errors such as this throughout your paper. Revise carefully to correct these problems.
Add more sources. You currently list 3 sources, which simply isn’t enough to support your thesis and the ideas you’ve presented in this piece. As it is now, your paper reads more like an opinion piece rather than an academic piece supporting by careful research. While your thesis is based in opinion, you must be careful to support and prove your thesis using timely, accurate, and credible research — otherwise, you’ve not fulfilled the parameters of the assignment.
Apply APA style consistently throughout your document. Your reference citations need revision to reflect proper APA style and some other elements of APA style are out of place in your submission as well. Revise to correct these problems.
Move away from “in this essay”-type of language you use in the first paragraph. Simply state your ideas without these words. Also, revise to make sure you haven’t used any “I” statements in your piece as this, too, is not representative of college writing.
Be sure to revise thoroughly with a focus on building more support for your argument. You must revise carefully to ensure you are on task: your assignment is to prove your thesis, not promote your opinion. You’ll need more sources, more cited support, and significant revision to accomplish this goal.
There is still time to submit additional publishs before this discussion ends, and I encourage you to revise and do so to receive more feedback. If there’s something I can do to help, please let me know!
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